


First

by Anonymous



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), just a feelings dump oops, only briefly this fic is very short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 20:32:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14197179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The first thing Newt sees,reallysees as himself properly for the first time in a decade, is Hermann’s hopeful face looking back at him.





	First

**Author's Note:**

> if u have talked to me in the past couple days you probably know this is my fic, but im still posting anonymously because im a big baby. ive been meaning to write this all down for a few days, and i didnt know itd come out in fic form but i guess thats what happened???
> 
> anyway, heres this pile of dumb, not so eloquently put emotions. they were stronger in my head but on paper just look sorta lackluster

The first thing Newt sees, _really_ sees as himself properly for the first time in a decade, is Hermann’s hopeful face looking back at him. 

The first thing he feels is hard to say, and ideally it would be something poetic like an all encompassing remembrance of his love for the man standing in front of him. In actuality it’s relief, maybe, except that’s quickly consumed by a wave of grief and guilt so powerful it seems to expel him from his chair, sending him to his knees in in front of Hermann an instant. His stomach lurches and vision swims as the reality of everything that had happened hits fully, his senses and emotions overpoweringly present in a way he wasn’t sure they ever could be again.

It’s all _too much_.

The first thing he says is quite a bit easier to pinpoint.

“I’m sorry,” Newt nearly sobs out. He’d never been much of a crying man, didn’t know that he could ever feel this guilty for anything.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, and for the first time he realizes his shaking hands are clutching desperately onto any part of Hermann he could reach. The realization only hits him when the other man’s hands grab onto his, stroking the skin there to soothe him best he could before moving briefly to his face, presumably to wipe away the tears there before realizing it would make little difference. They next moved to Newt’s hair, stroking through it over and over until he’s out of his own mind enough.

The first thing Newt hears comes then, cutting through his own frantic litany of apologies, swears, and the occasional “Oh god, I did this.”, though none of it really hits him until hours later when he takes the time to process it all.

“Newton, _Newton_ ,” Hermann tries. “ _Newt, please_ ,” he stresses, hands still moving in the same pattern through his hair. “It was not you. None of that was you,” and even though Newt is clearly too distraught to absorb anything he’s saying, he keeps talking, perhaps sensing (or more likely just knowing Newt well enough) to know he should. “I still love you, you _absolute lunatic_ of a man.” This sentiment would normally be said around a laugh, but the most Hermann seems to be able to muster is a fondly exasperated tone with a strong undercurrent of worry. 

Newt’s perfectly fine with that, and later on (though he didn’t wait long enough to not receive a reprimanding look for such a tasteless joke) would definitely tease Hermann for being such a sap that those were some of his first words to him. 

Right now, though, right now he’s still trying to remember how to get air in his lungs properly between choked up cries and garbled, cut off, panicked words. 

He’s not doing a very good job, can feel himself starting to hyperventilate, even worse can feel himself start to dissociate. It’s not something he’s unused to, even before the precursors he’d have days where he was only half present, but this is worse. He’s tired of not being grounded, and if he were more honest with himself, the thought of losing any part of himself again is too fucking terrifying to deal with.

He has no good way of conveying this but gripping onto Hermann harder and hoping he knows they may be here a while.

Hermann lets him know he understands by gently helping maneuver them so he’s sitting down with Newt still on the floor in front of him. 

**Author's Note:**

> i just have a lot of feelings about this sorry this is so bad if u read this i love u and if u comment i double love u.


End file.
